It was the golden age of America. Blood ran in the aisles. The stock market was at an all-time high. Someone had their legs shot off. 2.4 million Americans lost their food stamps. The country was finally winning again. Subway riders were slashed through the neck by knife-wielding maniacs. The U.S. men’s hockey team won gold. People were viciously tortured and murdered. The working class was finally thriving. Dead people were floating in bathtubs and bleeding profusely from multiple stab wounds. We finally had a president who put America first.
We got rid of the Green New Deal. There was murder and mayhem throughout the land. The Democrats made up a new term, “affordability,” which no one had ever heard before. Death and destruction rained down all around us. The administration had ended waste, fraud, and abuse. States kidnapped children and forced them to become transgendered. It was a national transformation like no one had ever seen before. It was a turnaround for the ages.
Such was the claptrap of Narcissist-in-Chief Donald Trump’s State of the Union address.
President Lies-a-Lot claimed early in his freewheeling, two-hour-long flight of ideas that he had succeeded in solving all of the problems caused by the bungling Democrats. One could sense the nationwide surge of gratitude as we learned that he had fixed, in record time, everything that had plagued us in the past. We learned that wages are now higher than they have ever been before! Mortgages and gasoline have never been cheaper! He is doing away with the income tax and replacing the lost revenue with tariffs! Inflation is plummeting! Healthcare costs are falling! The nation is now safe from drug-dealing, gangbanging, pet-eating, daycare-scamming, deranged illegals!
What a relief.
He chastised the Supremes—only four of whom bothered to attend the event—for their recent ruling that Trump’s tariffs are, in fact, illegal, but not to worry: He is going to continue to levy tariffs anyway. It was one of many inexplicable “applause lines” of his speech. Why every Republican in Congress would give a standing ovation to the notion of surrendering their Article 1 powers to Captain Destructo is anyone’s guess. All of the formerly free-wheeling, free-trading, Constitution-embracing members of the Republican conference have had, it seems, a collective change of heart. Insane tariffs are now a good thing, and checks and balances, bad.
Evidently, we have added 70,000 new construction jobs in “just a very short period of time.” One presumes that the 70,000 jobs were those that were formerly held by 70,000 minimum-wage-earning migrants who have now been deported to concentration camps all over the world. Given Trump’s assertion that wages have never been higher, you can expect the cost of the home you were planning to build to now exceed your ability to pay for it. The 340,000 migrants deported during 2025 functioned as cheap labor in construction, hotels, restaurants, agriculture, and home services. All of the white American citizens who are expected to fill those low-wage jobs are unlikely to work for the peanuts paid to migrants. At the same time, tariffs have sent the cost of building and home improvement supplies into the stratosphere. I recently paid more than $200 for a toilet paper holder.
I am not kidding.
Trump reserved other bragging rights for ending diversity, equity, and inclusion programs because his administration is a meritocracy of entitled, rich white guys and cosmetically enhanced, morally deficient Barbies.
The president who ended student loan assistance assured us that now, under his stewardship, every child has an unprecedented opportunity to “reach higher and go further.” One assumes that “every child” means “every child whose parents are rich enough to afford to underwrite their college education.”
He crowed about seizing the FIFA World Cup for himself, a fitting homage to his legendary skills as a professional soccer player, and he is likely to steal the trophy of the United States men’s Olympic ice hockey team as well. Such is the athletic prowess of President Hercules. Given that he has also managed to win every golf tournament ever hosted by him, he is clearly a triathlete of unusual talent.
This was the State of the Union as described by the most demented man to ever ascend to the presidency. Blood ran in the streets. Everything was better than ever. Horrible immigrants were ruining America. There was no such thing as inflation. And now, in addition to buying Trump cologne, Trump steaks, Trump wine, Trump Bibles, and Trump sneakers, we can also buy Trump health insurance, Trump medication, and Trump college savings plans. Also, Melania Trump is now a movie star and ardent philanthropist.
Only someone of his considerable powers could have managed to solve all of our problems in one short year. It is a miracle like no one has ever seen before.
And now, after single-handedly making America great again—at the speed of light, no less—Donald Trump has returned to the Oval Office to resume the hard work of persecuting the innocent, building ballrooms and triumphal arches, menacing sovereign nations, brutalizing people of color, accelerating his self-enrichment spree, sleeping through meetings, stonewalling the release of the Epstein files, selling bitcoin, naming things after himself, violating the Constitution, and killing fishermen.
