Dearest reader, I finally watched “The Substance.” A couple things:
First, I feel like there is an obvious joke about how this spectacle might be the bastard child of “The Last Showgirl” and “I’m Still Here,” but who knows? I will say that as the film opens and we see the main character’s star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame, I had unspeakable thoughts about what I would like to do with Donald Trump’s fading star there. Go ahead, use your imagination.
Second, as “The Substance” continues, I kept picturing the famous young woman/old woman optical illusion, which produces what is known as a Gestalt shift. Created by cartoonist W. E. Hill in 1915, the image is also called “My Wife and My Mother-in-Law.”
To summarize, Demi Moore should win the golden statuette for her insane performance in French director Coralie Fargeat’s horror comedy. Although I would love to see Cynthia Erivo join the ranks of EGOT winners, I do think Moore will prevail.
For actor in a leading role, I was happy to see the Screen Actors Guild recognize Timothée Chalamet’s Dylan-esque turn in “A Complete Unknown,” after Adrien Brody got all the glory for his role in “The Brutalist.” Both stars were marvelous in their respective roles, no question.
Yet I would love to see Colman Domingo as Divine G in “Sing Sing” receive Oscar’s ultimate prize. Not for nothing, his character plays a leading role in this important film about the role of empathy in a prison theater group.
You should also not be surprised I am rooting for Jeremy Strong’s super strong acting prowess as Roy Cohn in “The Apprentice.” Frankly, Kieran Culkin has collected enough awards for actor in a supporting role to last the rest of his life. Plus, if Strong does win for pretending to be a real person, Trump will think he lost for not pretending to be a global idiot.
Let me also be crystal clear about who I am praying will win actress in a supporting role: Isabella Rossellini as Sister Agnes in the middle of a man cave. Or a conclave.
I am a bit torn for best animated feature, but I am leaning toward “Flow” since it completely captures the climate crisis without a word. I would be just as happy for “The Wild Robot” to skip away with this prize, too.
For reasons I cannot fully explain, I would like to see “Emilia Pérez” take home the cinematography honors. This would go specifically to Paul Guilhaume, and whatever else you think about this film, he is basically the guy who helped you see what you saw. “Emilia Pérez” tells an important story with stunning cinematography to behold.
As far as costume design goes, I think “Nosferatu” could edge out “Wicked” in what some may call an upset. If this occurs, I won’t be upset at all.
This brings us to the writing categories. Here I pin my hopes on “A Real Pain” for best original screenplay and tip my hat to “Nickel Boys” for best adapted screenplay.
Which leaves us with best director and best picture. Splitting my ticket, I am going with Brady Corbet for best director of “The Brutalist.” Can you say three and a half hours?
For best picture and also for best overall Oscars campaign, I want the Oscar to go to “Conclave.” It is an article of faith for me this was 2024’s best picture.
Of course, not only do I pray there is true democracy within the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, I believe there is ranked choice voting at every papal conclave. And the only way I will ever get to a conclave is through cinema.
