Couples, families, and close friends know this best: it’s the way our loved one gets us that cements our connection. A wise colleague once shared that understanding, not love or even great sex, had the greatest impact upon any relationship. He confessed how his wife’s unwillingness to have a child did not break up their marriage, but her lack of understanding about the loss of becoming a parent created an irreparable divide. I can remember shaking my head at the time, gobsmacked by the heart-rending thud of indifference.
As a therapist in the Berkshires, let me just say that all this COVID togetherness has been difficult for a lot of us, especially when understanding is lacking. The Oxford dictionary describes understanding as “sympathetically aware of other people’s feelings; tolerant and forgiving.” But how do we bring more understanding to stuck relationship patterns?
Can we look at the person in front of us, setting our defenses aside for a moment, to imagine the road they have traveled?
I ask couples in therapy sessions, “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be loved?” Unfortunately, our need to be right is a Class A relationship sabotager. The need to prove our point is a defense against closeness, diminishing the possibility for understanding. Defenses such as justifying, rationalizing, denying, and projecting are destructive in relationships.
Here’s the rub: we cannot be both right and loved at the same time. We need to choose. And if we are not defended, we are going to be vulnerable.
Part of why defenses ensure separateness is the way they trigger the “fight or flight” sympathetic branch of our nervous system. Once triggered, our connection-oriented brain shuts down. Conversely, when we feel understood we relax into the “rest and digest” or parasympathetic branch of our nervous system, where connection and vulnerability can flourish.
Trying not to react to our partner can seem like turning a herd of wild horses away from a cliff. It takes a lot of self-discipline. Still, it’s possible to pivot when triggered if we take a short break or some deep breaths, then attempt a simple behavior shift such as validation or neutral language.
Try using neutral language with a caring tone to reassure your loved one: “I’m sorry. That sounds really tough for you.” or “How can I better understand this?” Then resist the urge to blurt out your second sentence. It’s the second sentence where we attempt to justify the initial response that got us into trouble. With practice, you too can become an oracle of understanding.
I’ve heard it said that we bring ourselves along the relationship path kicking and screaming. None of us are flawless. If marriage, divorce, parenting, and re-partnering has taught me anything, it’s to be humble about my own ability to truly understand the beautiful and flawed people in my midst.
Margo Davis is a psychotherapist, partner, and advocate for change in the Berkshires of Western Massachusetts.
