About three years ago, I was homeless in the Berkshires. Some of you might recall the two articles I wrote for The Edge describing my circumstances. Unfortunately, my mom died, leaving me unable to pay her share of our living expenses, which led to an eviction from my apartment. Subsequently, my living arrangement was shaky, as I was couch surfing for a couple of years. Eventually, I secured a bed at Construct’s transitional living facility, where I lived for five months until I moved into my current residence.
I am now entering my third year in an apartment I call home. Life has definitely improved for me. However, I have found my emotional health challenging to deal with. Because I have resolved the logistical aspects of my life, I am beginning to identify those feelings I stuffed when mom died. Given my economic situation and homelessness, I never got to grieve mom’s death or the loss of an apartment I lived in for 10 years.
So it is not surprising that, last January, my emotions brought my life to a screeching halt, causing a crisis I felt unable to handle alone. For a long time, I had been sitting with uncomfortable feelings, thinking the only way I could escape was to climb a mountain in high heels, an almost impossible task. This crisis led to receiving help and I was lucky to have a home visit with a licensed social worker. The social worker attempted to diffuse the situation as I hung on to it tightly. She was a lovely lady who tried to sell me on this idea of joining Walking Our Talk (WOT), a women’s support group.
She started talking about sisters and circles, drawing pictures of small circles and super circles with female stick figures. Frankly, I felt there were too many circles to learn about and was only interested in hanging on to my despair that was on the verge of erupting. However, crises do end, as did mine. When I came to my senses, I found the information given to me on WOT. I examined it closely and decided to have an open mind and Google it. The website came alive for me. I saw that they had groups, or what they referred to as circles, starting soon.
I also learned from the website that WOT was founded by Mary Campbell and Maia Conty. I liked WOT’s mission statement: “Nourish individual accomplishment and build community through a culture of trust, connection and support.” This is what leads to the work done in circles, a gathering of women. The circles are structured groups that have a two-minute timed sharing with no crosstalk, advice-giving or interruptions.
I was immediately drawn to this concept. I have been in groups before with little structure, finding myself bored as one or two participants monopolized the group, making it difficult to get to know people. In addition, the core value of WOT is the idea that structure creates a safety net that can result in a deepening spirit of self, a sense of community and a shared sisterhood. A structured group allows a sense of honor, vulnerable sharing, and active listening. Therefore, a sense of safety comes from the circle structure, and that is what I can see sets WOT apart from other support groups.
As a result of participating in a WOT circle, women are seen maximizing their potential, which is validated accordingly by their peers. Although I had never heard of WOT, I had an intuitive sense it might be the answer to removing the loneliness in my isolated world. I also needed a place where I could be supported, valued, accepted and not judged, and at the same time, able to trust others. I was feeling a great deal of shame having been labeled homeless and was trying desperately to increase my self-esteem, bruised by all I had gone through.
I therefore decided WOT, sight unseen, was going to be the next part of my journey, taking me away from my sadness. Because of WOT’s mission and vision statements, coupled with an overarching philosophy I perceived as women’s empowerment, I decided to sign up for a WOT circle, becoming a member of a sisterhood that includes 300-plus women who, like myself, found their way to one or more circles.
As I made my way to circle, I discovered women come to WOT for different reasons. In general, women like to connect with others to formulate friendships while working on a self-directed project. By working on a project of interest, women receive support with improving self-care, self-esteem, and self-love in a venue they initially know little about. It is not a place to receive a therapeutic intervention but can provide additional support, insight, and help in psychotherapy.
Meanwhile, as many of us have been making lifestyle adaptations brought on by COVID-19, WOT was forced to make changes, as well. I first entered a WOT circle via Zoom right after having to shelter in place because of COVID-19. This format was new to the women who were used to literally sitting on the floor in a circle. Since I have only experienced the “Hollywood Squares” version of WOT and not been face-to-face in a circle, I can only report about my virtual experience. I have, however, found it to be a profound blessing to attend a weekly two-hour circle.
My words alone cannot describe how I have benefitted from WOT. Completing a self-directed project with other women in anticipation of forming an alliance and having fun along the way is beyond greatness. Furthermore, being with other women who are supportive, compassionate, accepting, nonjudgmental, and generous with their time is a rewarding experience. In addition, these women provide companionship to their newly found friends through a WOT buddy system, where, each week, women are teamed up outside of circle to coach each other with their projects.
The self-directed projects are what bring women together on a weekly basis: They commit to an activity knowing its success brings future joy. Sometimes committing to a project can be threatening because of a lifestyle transformation. I can definitely relate to that. My first project centered on increasing self-esteem. After my mom died and the ordeal I went through, my self-esteem plummeted. Perhaps the main reason I found myself in circle was to recapture the confidence I had lost. I felt comfortable sharing what was private and, by exposing myself, narrowed the isolation I had created after mom’s death.
The circle provides a sense of connectedness to other women, making it easier to accomplish activities. My project was to read Ernest Hemingway’s novel “A Farewell to Arms.” I was taking a class with the Osher Lifelong Learning Institute and was extremely nervous about studying classic literature when my graduate studies were limited to behavioral sciences. My project was not only to read the book, but present to the class an analysis of one of the characters.
During the eight weekly circles I attended, I shared my struggles with my project, mostly having problems with opening the book and turning the pages. Because of circle, I completed my project, receiving much-needed support, acceptance, warmth, and nonjudgment from women I was now calling my sisters. My sisters helped me feel safe inside and outside the circle as I attempted to break out of my comfort zone. The nice part of doing a project is they can be flexible and fluid, changing as needed. They can also be ongoing. Finally, if a project is not completed, it doesn’t mean you failed. With the sisterhood’s feedback, a hidden accomplishment can be found. Examples of projects are restoring a house, pastel painting, gardening, drinking more water, or writing a resume.
I have discovered, through my short journey with WOT, how to be in the company of a diverse group of ageless women coming from all walks of life. There is no prerequisite as to who can join and no one is ever turned away. There are even scholarships available to help pay the circle tuition. I have benefitted from the WOT companionships and recently befriended a woman living in Pennsylvania. We speak daily and text frequently. We bonded quickly as we learned of similar interests and shared backgrounds. Finally, despite the barrier of having to meet via Zoom, WOT’s mission statement sustains the circle’s purpose and Zoom creates a new way to continue to practice WOT’s agreements.
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Author’s note: This is the first of two articles about WOT. To learn more about WOT and upcoming circles, go to https://www.walkingourtalk.org/.
