Image courtesy Johns Hopkins Medicine

Sheela Clary updates the want ads in the coronavirus era

ISO Theory Wellness line waiter: Must be willing and able to stand for up to three hours in close proximity to 100 or more out-of-towners who might have just arrived in the country from who knows where.

Note: This is a joke. This is only a joke. Any resemblance to real people or events is coincidental, if likely.

Want ads for the coronavirus era:

ISO: Spectrum Charter technician to please cut off my cable and Internet and remove newspaper from stoop before 6:30 a.m.

ISO: Temporary substitute for self-quarantined grandma: Driver needed for school drop-offs and pick-ups. Physical requirements of work to include periodically exceeding 35 miles per hour on the straightaways of Route 7, and be adept at both resisting whiny requests for unhealthy snacks and reprimanding fourth-graders for wearing insufficient clothing.

ISO: Family vacation planner: Research position. Seeking creative problem-solver to find us an Italian replacement destination that a) is drivable without traffic; b) will never report a virus case; c) is good for surfing; and d) no one else is thinking of going to.

ISO: Three to five infectious disease experts wearing white coats and reassuring expressions to man the corner of Railroad and Main streets in shifts. Infectious Disease expert impersonators also considered. Experience with Planned Parenthood or Jehovah’s Witnesses a plus.

ISO: Corona-immune child under the age of 10 to administer communion for at least the next four Sundays at St. Peters Catholic Church. Parent or guardian to be compensated with one-year confession FastPass.

ISO: Theory Wellness line waiter. Must be willing and able to stand for up to three hours in close proximity to 100 or more out-of-towners who might have just arrived in the country from who knows where. Comfort with distinguishing toker’s cough from flu sufferer’s an advantage.

ISO: Polymath tutor, in anticipation of school closings. Parents of YouTube-illiterate 16-year-old seek in-home instructor in precalculus, AP English literature, German Romanticism, anatomy, music theory, and wrestling. Ph.D’s in all subjects required. Additional qualifications for female applicants include warmth, firmness, strength, vulnerability, confidence and disarming humility. Men should leave the seat down, please. Compensation will be rendered in maple syrup, and be commensurate with how often “when I was at Harvard” can be invoked.

ISO: Private shopper. Job expectations include two daily visits to all four main supermarkets in town to check for adequate supply of chicken thighs, bananas and mochi ice cream. Knowledge of Excel a must as, in the event of scarcity issues, a full contingency plan with alternate sourcing will be required.

Come to think of it, ISO master mycologist who’s also well-versed in edible flora and hunting squirrels.

IMDSO (In Most Desperate Search Of) competent, civic-minded gazillionaire to take over all federal agencies tasked with the health of the American public.