SHEELA CLARY: Trump remakes Academy Awards
“By the way, how bad were the Academy Awards this year? Did you see them? And the winner is…. A movie from South Korea. What the hell was that all about?…Let’s get ‘Gone With the Wind’ back.”
—- The President of the United States, February 21, Colorado Springs, Colorado
Inspired by the president’s comments, nine foreign embassies have announced they will each be sponsoring a remake of a classic American movie.
Here’s a preview.
Some Like It Scot: Kilted laddies try to infiltrate a lassies’ knitting retreat on the Shetlands.
Raiders of Vladivostok: Swashbuckling fisherman attempts to retrieve tuna reserved for Nobu from the clutches of Putin’s henchmen.
Fjord vs. Ferrari: Cranky, little-known Norwegian tour boat captain goes through bitter divorce from daughter and heir to the car building dynasty.
Singing in The Rhine: Instant classic featuring a mid-river beer garden number with a full complement of dirndl and lederhosen-clad chorus-people.
The Riyadhfather: Patriarch of a Saudi Arabian crime family lets his four daughters battle it out for control of the empire while the son languishes in an abusive marriage to bully who won’t let him drive.
Rome Alone: Middle-aged, small-town mother of five secures a week’s worth of childcare and gets to explore her country’s capital all by herself, successfully dodging a pair of teenagers who try to get her to drive them to the mall.
Beauty and the Mideast: On a diplomatic errand to buy falafel in Jerusalem, Jared Kushner is kidnapped and seduced by a Mossad spy, revealing his father-in-law’s actual weight.
Strangers on Ukraine: A roundtable of public servants gather in Kiev over borscht and pierogis to discuss how to get the Ukrainian president to help them destroy their political rival. (Nonfiction)