Thank you for joining Truth Social, the patriotic social-media app created by Your Favorite President, Donald J. Trump, to bring FACTS and TRUTH and Oddly Capitalized Words to Real Americans in all 50 states. Even socialist California!
With Truth Social, “Truthsayers” (our actual name for members) are finally breaking free from the stranglehold and censorship of BIG TECH and FAKE NEWS and the snowflakes who can’t handle the rough and tumble of fighting to SAVE AMERICA via the free exchange of ideas — no matter how antidemocratic, unconstitutional, or insurrectionist-y those ideas might be!
That’s why we left the rough and tumble of fighting for America on Twitter and Facebook to create a social-media site that ensures the free, unfiltered digital supremacy of MAGA Patriots! That’s right: Supremacy! (wink, wink) A place to plot to take OUR country back so we can, finally, just be left alone to watch Tucker Carlson, listen to Yacht Rock, play golf, ban books, and watch the atmosphere catch fire but not because of anything humans are doing!
You must be eager to start sharing the kind of thoughtful, constructive, definitely-not-hate-speech posts that got you banned from other social-media sites, yes? To help you get started, Truthsayer, here’s a quick summary of our terms, privacy policy, and how to use the service:
— After creating an account, selecting a username and password, providing your mobile number, and agreeing to legal documents that you really don’t need to read or show an attorney — trust us, it’s totally cool, our lawyer already reviewed them — you may immediately begin using the service.
— On other platforms, you probably posted your completely noncontroversial and 100-percent accurate messages and then waited to be banned for life moments later. On Truth Social, we (actually) call this “posting a truth.” While that may seem ironic and perhaps Orwellian to liberals and the fake news media — a k a enemies of the people who claim that Donald J. Trump told at least 30,000 lies (i.e. TRUTHs!) while serving as the Greatest President in History, capped by his fight to Overturn the Rigged Election based on Irrefutable Facts gathered by a highly trained pillow salesman — MAGA Patriots always know the TRUTH, especially when we see it posted online by a totally legitimate Macedonian or Russian content farm.
— When you “ReTruth” (another term the libs will surely link to “1984”), you are “sharing a truth” no matter the accuracy of what was posted. Give it a try by posting this undeniable Truth and then asking your followers to ReTruth it: “It’s so obvious that the 2020 election was rigged that I don’t need to rely on ‘facts’ or ‘evidence’ or even ‘reality’ as understood by commonly accepted laws of physics.” Nice job! Wasn’t that fun?
— While using the Truth Social app, tap and hold the letter “Q” and your device will vibrate briefly in a pleasing, almost sensual way. Just a little easter egg for our MAGA Patriots!
— We may use your personal information (mobile phone number, IP address, credit card number, height, weight, bank account routing number, incriminating photographs we took of you during your extramarital affair, etc.) to provide The Service and otherwise enrich oursel– that’s it, just provide The Service.
— Truth Social is built on the same robust technology platform used by President Donald J. Trump for his widely respected and totally aboveboard campaign fundraising. Therefore, if you want to opt-out of the automated hourly contributions you already consented to (see Terms of Service, Page 481, Paragraph 19, Subsections D through Z), simply don’t not check or not not uncheck or recheck the prefilled box next to “Please don’t not not not not not not reshare or un-desharify my personal information or charge my credit card again AFTER THIS 400-percent INSTANT MATCH TO REMAIN A LOYAL TRUMP PATRIOT!”
— Your privacy is important to us and our monetization plan, so we never share your personal information with third parties. Why? Because we don’t need to! To improve efficiency and maximize revenue, Truth Social has brought all marketing and business operations in-house with our recent acquisitions of Spamorama Global, LLC; IdentiTheft Industries Nigeria, Inc.; ElderScam Marketing Co.; DJT GriftNation, and Cayman Islands Ultra Secure Data Warehouse and Surf Shop.
— When you purchase something on Truth Social, you may see a charge on your credit card from our transaction processor, “Mohammad bin Salman Kushner Companies DJT Financing Partnership Riyadh.” This is normal.
— Be sure to remember that Truth Social’s Terms of Service do not allow posting anything that would “disparage, tarnish, or otherwise harm, in our opinion, us and/or the Site.” And, pending the Republican takeover of Congress and passage of appropriate legislation, any such defamation of Truth Social or members of its leadership team will also be considered sedition and punishable by death. AND the termination of your Truth Social account.
— For your online safety, our rules prohibit any posts that “trick, defraud, or mislead.” Of course, this provision does not apply to anyone who has served as president of the United States, per our fair-minded interpretation of executive privilege, nonspecific and permanent immunity, and rock-solid pillow-based legal arguments.
— Finally, while our user agreement clearly states that “you may not post any false, unlawful, threatening, defamatory, harassing or misleading statements,” this provision is also waived permanently for former presidents. And for all Truth Social members each year on January 6th. Tradition!
Thanks again for joining Truth Social and for the eight $10 contributions you’ve made to SAVE AMERICA PAC since signing up a mere four minutes ago! Stay tuned for your chance to win a new Truth Social T-Shirt featuring our catchy slogan: “Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past.”
Bill Shein’s new social-media app/company, This is the Content I’m Here For, only permits posting videos of kittens falling asleep.
