ME: Yeah, gotta be honest. Don’t really get cryptocurrency. Feels very scammy. Crypto, stablecoins, none of it makes sense to me.
MYSELF: Totally with you, brother. It’s a lot of confusing gibberish. Few people truly understand it.
ME: So, it’s basically digital dollars? PayPal or Apple Pay or Venmo but with funny ads featuring Larry David? Or is it an asset, like stocks and bonds and my collection of 4,300 absolutely pristine Beanie Babies that represent a not-insignificant portion of my retirement savings?
MYSELF: No, that’s not quite right, from what I gather. It’s not really “currency” as we commonly understand it. But it is a kind of money.
ME (shaking head): This is not helping at all.
MYSELF: From what I understand, which isn’t very much, the innovation is the “blockchain,” which is an open source “public ledger” that records all crypto transactions. It removes intermediaries like governments and financial institutions from financial transactions and ensures they’re fast, private, secure, and trusted.
ME: “Open source”? “Public ledger”? That still doesn’t help me, Myself.
MYSELF: From what I’ve read, the distributed blockchain software behind crypto allows everyone to see every transaction and know it’s legit. Can’t be faked.
ME: Whoa, hold on. Everyone can see your transactions? Like, “Hey everyone, check out this entry in the public ledger! Some clown just bought his ninth Snuggie sweater-blanket!”
MYSELF: No, it’s anonymous. And it doesn’t record details — just that there was a transaction. I think.
ME (rubbing forehead): Anonymous? So how does my sweater-blan — how do, um, my purchases with crypto get to me?
MYSELF: You don’t really use crypto to buy things from a store. Though you can get a debit card connected to a crypto account. Right now most people trade cryptocurrencies like Bitcoin as a speculative asset and hope it increases in value. It’s like gambling, but with lots of people with vested interests saying it’s not gambling.
ME: Okay, I’ve heard of Bitcoin. It was the first decentralized cryptocurrency, right?
MYSELF: Yes. It’s based on a peer-to-peer blockchain algorithm first launched in 2009. You can buy some Bitcoin or mine it.
ME: “Mine” it? You mean, dig underground and find a fiber-optic cable that’s transmitting Bitcoin and patch into it? Or you mean like an old-timey gold panner with a grizzled beard and beat-up old hat, in a stream sifting through mud?
MYSELF: Not quite. It’s digital mining. With computers.
ME (after a long pause): Computers? To create money?
MYSELF: Yes, very powerful computers. To solve complicated math problems.
ME: Math problems? To earn money? Ugh, I thought I was done with math after high school! It’s why I’m a writer — no math involved.
MYSELF: Also, there’s a limited number of Bitcoins, and over time they get harder to mine. There will never be more than 21 million Bitcoins.
ME: There’s a limited number? Is that why the value has gone up?
MYSELF: That seems to be part of it, yes. But some people say it’s the future of money. And by “some people,” of course I’m talking about people who already have a lot of Bitcoin. Or those who make money from fees related to crypto. Or who are otherwise trying to pump up the value of crypto assets.
ME: So how does the public ledger get updated?
MYSELF (deep breath): Okay, like, I think what happens is companies with huge banks of advanced computers compete to solve math problems, and if they win, they get paid (in Bitcoin) to make the update. These Bitcoin mining farms use shocking amounts of electricity, which is dangerous given our climate problem.
ME: This is crazy. Does your head hurt? I know it does, because mine does and we share the same head.
I (stepping into the scene): Don’t forget about me!
MYSELF (rolls eyes): Oh, great, look who’s here.
ME: Look, let’s finish our crypto discussion. You two can sort out your problems at therapy on Thursday, okay?
(MYSELF and I look at each other warily.)
I (crossing arms): Fine.
MYSELF (crossing arms): Fine.
ME (exhaling): Good. So, I, what do you want?
I: Well, I overheard your conversation. And I thought you should know that yesterday I liquidated all our assets and used the proceeds to buy hundreds of different cryptocurrencies. We’re all in, baby!
MYSELF: What? You did what? IDIOT! (He moves angrily toward I.)
ME (jumping between MYSELF and I): Wait, wait, hold on a minute. You sold everything? The retirement account? The stocks and bonds? The Beanie Babies? This house?
I (excited): Yeah, but it’s going to be great, because Matt Damon and Larry David and LeBron James and a whole bunch of highly paid social-media influencers all say we’re going to be rich!
MYSELF (in a rage): But we don’t even understand cryptocurrency! We don’t get it! We’re going to get played for suckers, just like countless other people!
ME: I agree with Myself. Even if our financial system is its own house of cards, rife with deep-seated unfairness and corrupted by Wall Street and other interests, at least we sort of understand it.
I: But there are no middlepeople in crypto! No one owns the network! No one takes a cut! Well, except for all the businesses that manage crypto accounts and wallets and the like. But they’re, like, totally different! And Larry David was in that funny commercial!
ME: I’ve got to side with Myself here, I.
I (defeated): Fine. Just trying to help. (He starts to cry.) Just want to make things right after I lost all our money during the dot-com boom. Who could possibly have known that a venture-financed company promising to deliver fresh, hot soup over the Internet would turn out to be a fraud. I mean, a lot of celebrities did funny ads for SouptasticDirect.com, too.
ME (puts his hand on I’s shoulder): It’s alright, we’ll get through this. (Motions to MYSELF.) C’mon, get in here. Group hug!
Bill Shein, Bill Shein, and Bill Shein do not offer financial advice. Nothing here should be considered an offer to buy or sell securities, crypto, or Beanie Babies. Please consult with your financial advisor before not investing. For full disclosures visit get-rich-now-ask-me-how-online-central.scam.
