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MODERATOR: Good Evening. I’m Booth Nicholson, and I’ll be your moderator for tonight’s McAllister Debate. Founded in 1921 by noted philanthropist and Barbara Stanwyck impersonator Warren G. McAllister, the McAllister Debates have continued to examine the important issues of the day with depth, detail and dimension. Sponsored by Swifty Lube, the largest oil change chain in the Northeastern United States. Need to get lubed in a hurry? It’s Swifty Lube!
Tonight, our distinguished panelists will be debating the continued attempts to repeal the Maternal Nightwear Safety Act of 2011, hereinafter referred to as “The Act,” which was designed to supersede the Maternal Nightwear Safety Act of 2006, hereinafter referred to as “That Other Act.” Certainly one of the most controversial pieces of legislation to come out of the current administration, its critics have labeled the Maternal Nightwear Safety Act of 2011 “Obama Mama Pajama Care.” Not to be confused with either the National Theater Arts Funding Act, or “Obama Drama Care”; the National Punctuation Abuse Act, or “Obama Comma Trauma Care”; the Hot Spiced Pea Pod Tariff, or “Obama Edemame Care”; the Resolution in Support of a Free Myanmar, or “Obama Dalai Lama Care”; the Alpaca Breeders Subsidy Act, or “Obama Llama Farmer Care”; the National Race Reconciliation Initiative, or “Obama Yo’ Mama Care”; the Authorization of the Ralph Kramden Medal of Freedom, or “Obama Hominahominahomina Care,” the Japanese Paper Landscape Model Import Act, or “Obama Yokohama Origama Panorama Diorama Care,” or the Boy George Immigration Quota Act, or “Obama Karma Karma Karma Chameleon Care.” I could go on, but thankfully, I won’t.
Before I introduce our eminent debaters, a little history. Around 13.7 billion years ago, all matter sprang into existence as a singularity, a term in physics used to describe something which cannot be described. After its initial appearance, this singularity expanded to form our universe. This is referred to as “The Big Bang Theory,” hereinafter referred to as “The Big Bang Theory.” Nine point two billion years after that, give or take a million, the planet Earth’s crust cooled, allowing a carbon-based form of life to arise. Then, in 2011, the Act was passed by Congress.
And now, our panelists. Arguing for repeal of the Act, Dr. George W. Whelan is the holder of the Chuck Norris Professorship in Whoopass at Berkshire Community College, and is author of “Molecular Abnormalities of Mold Spores Found on Ancient Artifacts Discovered in Archeological Digs in Uncharted Regions of New Zealand for Dummies.” As early as high school, he distinguished himself by proposing a revolutionary theory of cold atomic fusion, which resulted in Sandisfield’s greatest nuclear disaster. His experiments with sweet potatoes, training them to sing Gregorian Chants, earned him both a MacArthur Foundation Genius Grant and an extensive course of electroshock therapy treatments.
Arguing against repeal is Professor Martin Dell, Chairman of the Department of Alternative Medicine and Bio-medical Ethics at Berkshire Country Day School. Turn-ons include holding hands, long walks on the beach and beef burritos; turn-offs include everyone in the audience tonight. His multi-CD lecture series, “How I Taught Andrew Joffe Everything He Knows about Acting” earned three Grammy Awards and a multi-million dollar civil law suit – you bastard. He won a Pulitzer Prize for his writings on the wall of the MASS MoCA men’s room, third stall from the left. He is currently working on the definitive study of controversial methods of natural gas drilling entitled “What the Frack!”
And now that the introductions are done, we don’t really have time for the debate. We do have enough time for the rebuttals. Dr. Whalen.
WHALEN: You’re mother is so ugly, when she cries, tears roll down her back.
MODERATOR: Thank you. Professor Dell.
DELL: Oh yeah? You and what freakin’ army.
MODERATOR: Thank you. On behalf of the McAllister Debates, this in Booth Nicholson saying, “This is Booth Nicholson, saying.” Good night.
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