Love & Life: Be a slow boss  

In this week's Love Desk column, the Love Desk Editor offers advice on how women can instruct men in the intimate aspects of a relationship.

Editor’s Note: Love & Life on The Edge is a (mostly) weekly column that will explore those perplexing personal dilemmas that we all experience and are troubled by. If you have a question that you’d like the Love & Life Desk Editor to address, please send your inquiry to LoveDesk@theberkshireedge.com. Your contact information will be kept in confidence.

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Dear Love Desk Editor, 

I’m in a beautiful new relationship with the most wonderful man: kind, generous, funny. The problem is that in bed, I don’t think he realizes that in his exuberance he’s a little heavy handed with my delicate parts as he rushes to the finish line. It all leaves me a little raw and unfulfilled. How do I keep spontaneity flowing without being too technical with him and ruining the moment. The movies make it look so easy. If only. Help, Love Desk! 

Almost Perfect

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Dear Almost Perfect,

I know I always say this, but you’re not alone. I’ve heard a quite a few women over the years wonder what to do about the inelegant handling of our most delicate parts (there may be men out there asking the same questions about the cluelessness of women handling their parts. Fodder for another column, I hope!). The situation leads me to think that there are a lot of men who never learned about the subtleties and nuances of the female pleasure zones. And unless they are selfish cretins, surely they would be appalled to know they were wounding as they go G-Spot hunting.

It’s not entirely his fault, Almost Perfect; it likely means the women in his past spaced it. They let him unintentionally savage them and never spoke up. Or they were like comedian Amy Schumer, who jokes that she just likes to lie there while the man does all the work. That’s a set up for many future cycles of unfulfilled dalliances for both man and woman.

Also, many men are watching porn these days. That’s not entirely their fault, either. It comes into everyone’s inboxes, and it’s a constant temptation online. While there’s nothing wrong with porn (within reason), it generally does not show tender lovemaking with that crazy little thing called love. No, it’s a performance fest, a marathon of pounding and thrusting with fingers and anything at all. So if your man has been a bachelor for a while, that may have been his only outlet unless he’s a Tinder master.

So — how do we get your man to savor you rather than shred you?

You could have The Talk, of course, and it might help. But it could backfire by reducing inhibitions, the last thing you want, and might set up a success/failure situation. Not the best thing, either. But if you were to talk about it — in a sexy way — before heading back into the sheets, you might describe the clitoris and vagina as my friend once did (very shrilly, I might add) after being roughly pressed and poked down there by a lover who never seemed to get it: “It’s like a delicate flower!” she cried, looking into her hands as she cupped them together. “It doesn’t take much more than, like, a soft, gentle breath to make it…you know!” She blew into her hands to show me, her brow crinkled in frustration. She further complained that she was raw all the time, just like you, Almost Perfect.

But somehow, she had trouble having The Talk with him (they are no longer together), and whenever she tried, he listened earnestly, but back in the Moment, resumed the rough treatment. This strong and sexy lady drew a number of men into her boudoir until she finally remarried, and each and every one was too rough! It occurred to me (just now) that perhaps it had something to do with her, too. Maybe these men felt they had to have strong foreplay and vigorous sex with her because her personality and energy was so strong, particularly in bed. Maybe they thought she, like those porn stars they may or may not have been taking lessons from, required speed and strength.

So, Almost Perfect, what I’m going to suggest as a remedy, either alone or in conjunction with The Talk, is that you be a slow boss for the next several encounters with your love. Since sexuality is so much about the mind, energy, and give and take, get solid and conscious about how you want it to go before things get hot with your honey. Think slow.

We are tearing a page out of Tantra here, with a little Love Desk experience thrown in. Have your love sit up in bed, propped against the pillows. You straddle him to face him. Neither of you have to be totally naked yet. If he wonders why he can’t go rummaging around down there right away, you gently take his hands and interlace your fingers with his. Hold hands, lock eyeballs, and breathe together for 10 breaths. Next comes kissing — little slow kisses on lips and face (the eyelids are particularly sensitive), then back to lips where you will use your tongue first and you will have a slow make out marathon, just like you did in high school, in the car parked at the edge of the field, another couple in the front seat.

You will do all the initial touching, Almost Perfect. And you are going to touch him in his most sensitive places the same way you want to be touched. Think fingertips. By not handling his parts like a four-year-old with Playdoh, he may start to realize that your breasts aren’t Playdoh either. From there, you will lead, you will control the movements, the pace, you will remain slow and gentle. Your Almost Perfect love will then understand the paradox that it isn’t fast and forceful that brings explosive results at the finish line. It is slow that does that.

I’m not saying there isn’t a time or place for something wilder, but — and I paraphrase Jimmy Page here –– lovemaking is like a guitar, he once said; sometimes soft and slow, sometimes hard and fast.

I hope this helps.

With love from the Love Desk

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If you have a question that you’d like the Love & Life Desk Editor to address, please send your inquiry to LoveDesk@theberkshireedge.com. Your contact information will be kept in confidence.