Popularized by the “Seinfeld” television series, the Costanza family’s Festivus is a non-religious winter celebration featuring a presentation of a pole, feats of strength (think wrestling), and a public airing of grievances. In keeping with that last tradition, here is mine.
New England IPAs
After transplanting from Texas, drivers boasting a gun rack on every truck
A place where Longhorns and politics run in the same muck
I’ve adopted almost all of what the North has to offer, yay!
But, New England, what’s with your fruity, hazy IPA?
Breweries Harpoon, Trillium, and even the namesake of a founding father
When I see that cloudiness, I just don’t bother
If you must dress up a fine beer with orangeade
Yep, to those drinks, I’m throwing a bit of shade.
Give me a crisp pilsner, a lager, a brown, or a red
It’s that darn haze I dislike with its foamy head
No thanks, Citra and Here Comes The Sun
Notes of mango and papaya make me want to run.
It seems that with your alcoholic juice,
You New Englanders are way too loose
Northerners, don’t make me drive so far
Do better, Shire Breu Hous and Wandering Star.
A stout, a porter, or even a sour
Now those are beers with a bit more power
No, I don’t need any Vitamin C
Just fill up my mug with a high ABV.
