Interpretive transcript of Michael Cohen’s testimonyMore Info
My interpretive summary of Michael Cohen’s testimony, for those of you who had better things to do than spend all day deploring the sad state of our legislative branch. You’re welcome.
Setting: Big, wood-paneled room very similar, if actually identical, to Kavanaugh/ Blasey-Ford hearing room. This explains the heart palpitations.
Vibe: Tribal ceremony, whereby tribesmen dance around their leader in absentia, throwing protective star dust on his aura and kicking poop on a disgraced former tribe member, while rival tribesmen “from the other side of the aisle” sit back, relax and enjoy the show.
Cast of Characters
Protagonist Michael Cohen (not to be confused with the 432 other Michael Cohens in the NYC phonebook): Sad, gruff male New Yorker of occasional integrity, an eight out of ten on the SNL imitability scale. Plentiful salt and pepper hair.
Individual 1: The orange and thin-skinned, hair-challenged elephant who got out of Dodge and is now in Vietnam who, in addition to having surely committed every crime that Mr. Cohen has been convicted of (but better, and more often), is also an adulterer, habitual sex offender, draft dodger and ridiculer of disabled people, a poor spelling New Yorker of highly infrequent integrity, and ten out of ten on the SNL imitability scale. No hair to speak of.
Protagonist’s New BFFs: Democrats on the House Oversight and Reform Committee.
Reason Protagonist will need to hire a food taster in prison: Republicans on the House Oversight Committee.
Two constipated gentlemen sitting behind protagonist: His attorneys.
Blond woman sitting behind two constipated gentlemen: Reincarnation of Farrah Fawcett.
Undignified song lyrics that capture the partisan spirit of the day
R: It was long ago and it was far away, and it was so much better than it is today.
D: It never felt so good, it never felt so right, and we were glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife.
(Meatloaf, “Paradise by the Dashboard Light”)
By the numbers
Times the word “Liar” was invoked to describe the Protagonist, otherwise known as powerless witness: Many
Times the word “Liar” was invoked to describe his lying sack of shit former boss, the current leader of the free world: None
Ukrainian oligarch names learned: 1 (Victor Pinchuk)
Angry white males with Southern accents: So many!
Most Shocking Revelation: The most pressing issue facing the United States is not, according to Representative Miller of West Virginia, the survival of our democracy, but: “Border security and neo natal abstinence syndrome.”
Things that shock the consciences of Republican lawmakers: People who seek to make money from books and movies, attorneys who record their clients, people who mislead bank tellers.
Things that make Republican lawmakers go “meh”: Russian mobster living rent-free in Trump Tower, illicit hush money payments to Playboy model and porn star who President was sleeping with while his wife and newborn infant were at home.
Lamest burn: Some well-combed Republican dude: “Was it exhausting keeping track of all the lies you were telling?”
Best burn: Alexandria Ocasio Cortez, Ayanna Presley, Rashida Tlaib in the House. “‘Nuff said.” Mic drop.
Red Carpet fashion winner: Florida Representative Steube takes it, in a snazzy checkerboard jacket by MC Hammer. (He also wins prize for Count Olaf from “Series of Unfortunate Events” look alike.)
Most profound comment from Protagonist: “Not one question so far has been asked about President Trump. I thought that was why I was coming here today.”
Words I didn’t realize are easy to confuse until today: “Ironic” and “Erotic.”
Most Eye-Raising Claim of the Day: “We’re better than this.”
Winners: Pin manufacturers.
Losers: All of us.