Dear Donald,
This week, I decided to turn off my television during your televised address to Congress. I did this for several reasons: First, the sound of your voice makes my skin crawl; second, there is no use in wasting my time watching a pathological liar continue to lie pathologically; third, I delight in depriving you of the thing you value most—ratings; and finally, I thought it would be a great night to write an advice column. To you.
It occurs to me that since you have managed to shield yourself from reality by surrounding yourself with only those adherents who are willing to pump you full of hogwash about how fabulous you are, it might be useful if, from time to time, I tied a carefully folded note around the neck of a carrier pigeon and sent it to the windowsill of the Oval Office, just to alert you to the fact that you have become an international laughingstock.
You can thank me later.
A little more than a week ago, you decided to televise your meeting with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, attended by the heavily eyelinered J.D. “Cleopatra” Vance and Secretary of State Marco Rubio, whose skin has taken on such a cadaver-like pallor that he looks like a corpse.
It was clear to anyone who is still capable of rational thought that the meeting was designed to showcase your absolute fealty to your KGB handler, Vladimir Putin. You communicated your unwavering devotion by using the ill-concealed pretext of diplomacy to ambush, harass, and revile someone who was our ally until January 20 of this year, when you and Putin agreed to extinguish democracies everywhere.
Dude, it just made you look like a bully and a lousy human being. Your conduct was the opposite of strong—in fact, it distinguished you as Putin’s lapdog. You did succeed, however, in motivating our former NATO allies to join together in giving you a collective middle finger. They will now protect Ukraine, and the United States is now a failed democracy, just as you planned.
Over the course of the past week, you initiated completely purposeless and financially destructive tariffs not only on products made in China but also on goods produced by our two geographic neighbors and biggest trading partners, Canada and Mexico. Ordinary Americans can now look forward to higher prices for fuel, avocados, tomatoes, lumber, Canadian whiskey, maple syrup, and potash—the fertilizer necessary to grow crops—although we should consider that there is now much less need for farmers to grow anything at all, since Canadians and Mexicans will no longer be purchasing what they grow, nor will USAID. Not to mention, all of the laborers who used to pick their crops are in the process of being deported. And as an added bonus, your genius tariffs have sent the stock market into the toilet, and now, for the first time in history, our American hockey teams can look forward to being booed off the ice in Canada when our national anthem is played before a game.
Dude, aren’t you the guy who declared, during your campaign, that you did not want to become “the next Herbert Hoover”? Nevertheless, you have managed to become the next Herbert Hoover in record time. Grocery prices are skyrocketing, no one can afford to buy or rent a home, hundreds of thousands of government employees are now out of work, who knows how many children and low-income adults are about to watch their SNAP benefits and healthcare coverage disappear, and American industries affected by your tariffs will have to slow production, lay off workers, and close manufacturing plants.
Nicely done, Mr. Hoover.
Your own constituents are so enraged by your duplicitous behavior (cutting services; doing nothing about the inflation that started during your first term and has now mushroomed out of control in your second; stacking your government with charlatans who have zero experience in the departments they have been appointed to oversee; and allowing an insane South African Nazi to set a match to our federal government) that they are now crowding local town halls and screaming at their duly elected representatives.
Contrary to what you seem to believe, it does not demonstrate leadership when you tell those legislators to simply stop holding town halls. As a retired school psychologist, I should mention that this places you at the developmental level of a toddler who thinks that he becomes invisible when he closes his eyes.
Spoiler alert: We can all still see you, Donald, along with your cowardly handmaidens. Not holding meetings does not mean that people cannot see you, cannot understand what you are doing, and will therefore simply accept the fact that you never cared about them to begin with. Typically, enraged constituents who fail to garner your direct attention will do things like march in the streets to express their dissatisfaction.
And dude, it might be wise for you to remember that when your base gets ticked off, they tend to engage in mob violence. It would be a major mistake to presume that if their needs are ignored by your administration for long enough, their wrath will simply peter out. That is not how they roll, and while you keep trying to deflect blame for your missteps onto Joe Biden, please understand that the blame game has a very short shelf life. In fact, it has already expired. The milk of human kindness has curdled, the red meat you threw at your supporters is rancid, and the eggs are inedible.
I could go on, but I think these notes are enough for now. If I were to review every mistake that you make each and every day, these notes would be too heavy for the pigeon to carry, and the bird would fail to launch.
Sort of like Elon Musk’s rockets.
