Dear Clarence, Sam, Neil, Brett, Amy, and John,
I’m not the kind of guy who writes thank you notes, since really, “thank-you’s” are for suckers and losers, but you guys have really had my back. Usually, I don’t like to write anything down, and if I do write something down, I try to burn it or flush it down the toilet very quickly as part of my “evidence removal” program. The Epstein files are too big to flush down the toilet, but I found that my big presidential Sharpie has lots of uses: signing illegal orders; renaming bodies of water; altering hurricane maps; making my signature look like pubic hair on hand-made birthday cards for pedophiles; and, as it turns out, it is great for redacting my name from DOJ files, too!
Anyway, you guys have been terrific. First, you made sure to flood our elections with dark money from the super rich, who helped to get me elected and who have treated Clarence very well. But Clarence, instead of asking for an RV, you should have asked Harlan Crowe for a private plane. I got one from Qatar—it was easy! The good news is, it’s not too late—you can ask him now, for sure, because you put me in charge of the DOJ, so you’ll never face corruption charges. Me, either! Go for it!
You all made sure that no matter how many laws I broke as president, I could never be held accountable. That was huge. And you keep showing up for me every time I ask for a favor! Sometimes you also do me a favor that I didn’t even ask for, like making it as difficult as possible for Black people to vote—that was a nice surprise!
You made sure that women across America would be forced to give birth and become parents whether they wanted to or not. You are chipping away at gay and trans rights—thanks—and you are doing the best job ever of helping me to ignore and violate the Constitution.
The decision allowing me to racially profile everyone in the country—that was fantastic! And don’t worry about Usha—as long as J.D. stays in line, we won’t deport her. And I love the “thumbs up” on my Texas jerrymanders, too!
Anyway, you guys are the best—keep up the good work. Oh, and let’s put presidential term limits on your docket. Presidential term limits are unconstitutional, right?
Thanks again, and Happy New Year—
PS: Do you like my new stationary? Gold leaf!
