The Trump administration is hiring! We encourage corrupt loyalists with white skin and male anatomy to join our America First meritocracy! Employment opportunities are available at the following federal agencies:
Immigration and Customs Enforcement
If you dream of attacking and arresting both immigrants and citizen bystanders while violating their human and civil rights, congratulations—ICE has a job for you! Strap on that combat vest and get to work: Rappel into low-income neighborhoods from a helicopter like a deranged ninja in a doomsday movie and scare the stuffing out of refugees! Shoot citizen bystanders in Minneapolis like fish in a barrel! We are giving you a $50,000 signing bonus so you will be able to buy lots of face-concealing masks, and don’t worry—you have entered the “no accountability” zone!
Health and Human Services
Tired of data, clinical trials, and facts? If you believe in pseudo-science more than you believe in actual science, and especially if you believe in withholding life-saving vaccines from children, there is a place for you at the Department of Health and Human Services! Promoting quack cures for previously preventable illnesses will help you to rise through the ranks more quickly. Do you believe that Tylenol causes autism? Yes? Apply today!
Department of Transportation
If you have ever traveled by air, there are vacancies at the DOT. Learn as you go as you take a seat in the air traffic control booth at your local airport. We have relaxed our training standards because they were overly complicated and took too long to satisfy, so you are on the fast track to a new career in the exciting field of aviation. After all, you have been to the airport before, right? You learned to print your own ticket and tag your own bags, didn’t you? How hard was that? Come aboard!
Environmental Protection Agency
Now that we have purged the department of tree-hugging communists, their windmills (DANGEROUS!), and their solar panels (UGLY!), we can get back to the critical work of extracting fossil fuels from our national parks! We are pumping it! We are mining it! We are fracking it! We are drill-baby-drilling it! We are steal-baby-stealing it from the Venezuelans! Join a crackerjack group of eco-warriors as they clear-cut state forests, rescind regulations against dumping nuclear waste into our rivers, revive piracy and kidnapping in the Caribbean, ramp up greenhouse gas emissions, bring back cancer-causing herbicides, and ignore requests for lead pipe removal at your local elementary school. Here is your chance—move fast and break things!
Department of Justice
If you are a lawyer who long ago kicked your professional ethics to the curb, the DOJ welcomes your application. We invite you to join a dedicated team of sheisters and liars as they disregard both the Constitution and the precepts of human decency. Prior experience in frivolous prosecutions, withholding evidence, and covering up for the chief executive is highly desirable. Law license preferred, but your previous disbarment for violating the standards of your profession need not be a barrier to employment. Attorneys with exceptionally high integrity should apply directly to the Department of Homeland Security for expedited deportation.
Department of the Treasury
Are you itching to make up a bunch of nonsense to explain why Donald Trump’s tariffs are not really a sales tax on American consumers, and would you like to make up even more nonsense about how the cost of living has fallen dramatically since the last election? If so, call the Treasury Department today. Seize the opportunity to announce that cryptocurrency exchanges are not the huge Ponzi schemes that they appear to be! Plus, imagine how grateful ordinary citizens will be when you tell them that what they perceive to be an affordability crisis is really just a weird hallucination caused by childhood vaccines—RFK Jr. just announced it on “Fox & Friends”! Welcome to the Trump Treasury.
Department of War
Do you yearn to violate the Geneva Convention and point your weapon at American citizens exercising their First Amendment rights? Are you a vicious, homicidal lunatic who does not belong in polite society? Is your primary goal to become an unhinged Rambo facsimile? Are you committed to ignoring international laws, the Constitution, and the rules of engagement? Enlist today! The blubbery and the bearded need not apply.
Federal Bureau of Investigation
Would you like to conduct bogus investigations of innocent citizens on behalf of the criminally insane person who lives in the White House? Does the prospect of flouting the law make you shriek with laughter? Are you anxious to provide round-the-clock protection for Kash Patel’s girlfriend? Grab an application at your local FBI office—you’re in!
Department of Agriculture
Does your purpose-driven life include withholding sustenance from poor people and their annoying, hungry children? We invite you to apply to the Department of Agriculture! We will train you to deflect abject pleas for food by telling starving five-year-olds to stop whining and get a job. Arkansas Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders has revoked child labor laws in her state, so hungry children can now swab out the slaughterhouses at midnight for minimum wage in order to help pay for… pay for… uh, what are they called again? Oh, right—groceries! They’re called groceries! They can earn money for groceries by going to work in a slaughterhouse. Who says there is an employment crisis in America? Fake news!
Department of Housing and Urban Development
Are you fed up with stepping over unsightly vagrants huddled on the sidewalks of your hometown? The Department of Housing and Urban Development needs your assistance! You will have an opportunity to work in tandem with law enforcement as you report on all of the paupers sleeping under bridges and in the back seats of their cars. Beautify the streets of America by making sure that people who have nowhere to live are relocated to sunny Guantanamo Bay! Help us end homelessness in America by sending the homeless someplace else!
U.S.A.!
*Applicants with histories of animal cruelty, domestic violence, vehicular homicide, petty theft, pedophilia, perjury, public drunkenness, hate crimes, or threatening public officials and their families will be given priority consideration for all available positions; J6 patriots are preferred candidates, eligible for rapid advancement.
If you have the requisite skills and an unwavering commitment to following completely unconstitutional orders, apply today and Make America Great Again!
