I am quite certain that I am not the only person in this country who is willing to pay the price of dyspepsia in order to watch every one of Donald Trump’s speeches. They never really make sense because he rarely tells the truth, and even if he did, it would get buried in gallons of gibberish. But after umpty-nine hours of watching manure run out of the wrong end of his anatomy, I have concluded that he inadvertently tells the truth about himself every time he opens his mouth.
I recall a wonderful sketch that appeared from time to time on one of my favorite TV shows of yesteryear, “Monte Python’s Flying Circus.” The sketch was a hilarious send-up of a completely inaccurate dictionary of handy English words and phrases, utilized by hapless foreign travelers to Great Britain. In the sketch, an Albanian traveler to England, for instance, might enter a candy store to purchase a bar of chocolate. The traveler, utilizing the defective handy-words-and-phrases dictionary, attempts to say, “Please sell me a bar of chocolate” in English, but actually ends up saying, “You smell like a dead yak.”
Unrestrained laughter ensued.
Sometimes what people mean to say just comes out all wrong, and sometimes people say things to intentionally mislead. Lately, I have thought that America deserves to understand that every accusation leveled by Donald Trump at anyone else is really just an inadvertent admission of his own decrepitude. He is the Prince of Projection. One can reasonably infer, almost every time he opens his mouth, that he is talking exclusively about himself.
Additionally, when Trump is making demonstrably false statements, he does something unique among liars: He starts playing an invisible accordion. His hands move in and out, in and out, as if to punctuate the fact that he is telling yet another whopper.
With this in mind, I am happy to provide you with a handy—and completely accurate—translation guide that will help you to decipher the true meaning of Mr. Trump’s pronouncements:
“The Biden ‘crime’ family is completely corrupt,” means, “I am the kingpin of a criminal organization comprised of me and my children.”
“Sleepy, low energy Joe Biden,” means, “I can’t stay awake, even in an unheated courtroom where I am on trial for dozens of felonies.”
“She’s not my type,” means, “Most women find me disgusting.”
“America is a failed nation,” means, “I am a failed candidate who is likely to lose this election.”
“She’s a DEI candidate,” means, “I’m a life-long racist who believes women and people of color aren’t fit to hold public office, but it’s perfectly fine to vote for someone who is a letch, a felon, an insurrectionist, and a business cheat, as long as that person is a white guy named Donald Trump.”
“The illegals are bringing crime and drugs and rape,” means, “I commit crimes incessantly; my White House was awash in amphetamines and tranquilizers supplied by Ronny Jackson; and there are few things I enjoy more than sexually assaulting women.”
“The election was rigged,” means, “I have a pathological need to win, even when I don’t actually win.”
“Illegals are poisoning the blood of our country,” means, “I am destroying American democracy.”
“The judge is crooked,” means, “I am a con artist.”
“The lamestream New York Times is fake news,” means, “For years I have broadcast lies about myself and my political rivals in a cheesy tabloid called ‘The National Enquirer,’ and paid to kill true stories that might be detrimental to me, my business, or my candidacy.”
“He’s a RINO,” means, “I am an opportunist who has zero allegiance to any political party or set of political norms and values.”
“He’s a low-I.Q. individual,” means, “I’m so stupid that I alter hurricane maps with black sharpies and don’t think anyone will notice.”
“The Chinese gave us the Kung Flu,” means, “Because I lied to my countrymen about the true danger of a catastrophic world-wide pandemic, over a million Americans have died of COVID.”
“I’m really, really rich,” means, “I’m a business failure who has declared bankruptcy repeatedly, but I like to pretend to be successful on TV.”
“I alone can fix it,” means, “I want to be a dictator, like my buddies Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un.”
“I’m being sacrificed for you,” means, “I like to compare myself to Jesus, even though there are few people on the planet who are less Christlike than I.”
“I own a social media platform called ‘Truth Social,’” means, “I own a website that functions as a great big bullhorn for my illiterate rants, none of which are true, and all of which are anti-social.”
“It’s infrastructure week,” means, “I like to tour factories while wearing a hard hat because it makes me look like a real man.”
“We’re going to repeal and replace Obamacare,” means, “I’m going to obliterate the Affordable Care Act, and if you have a preexisting condition, goodbye and good luck.”
“It was a perfect call,” means, “I like to extort world leaders for dirt on my political opponents whenever I get the chance.”
“He was a disaster,” means, “I just fired another seasoned, capable individual because he refused to commit crimes on my behalf.”
“I will suspend the Constitution on day one,” means, “I will suspend the Constitution on day one—unless the Supreme Court does it for me before I take office.”
“I don’t know anything about Project 2025,” means, “Project 2025 is my personal blueprint for a dictatorship, written by my current running mate and MAGA loyalists from my previous administration, but they should have kept their mouths shut until after the election.”
“If you vote for me in November, you’ll never have to vote again,” means, “If you vote for me in November, you’ll never be allowed to vote again.”
Now that you are equipped to decipher the true meaning of Trump’s hidden messages, you will be better able to crack the code. Going forward, right after you complete “Wordle” in The New York Times every morning, feel free to visit Truth Social and exercise your newfound skills.
