Great Barrington — I would like to inform you that for this year, the year of our Lord 2019, I hereby decree that Halloween shall be celebrated on November 2nd.
While Thanksgiving will continue to take place on the fourth Thursday in November, this year I ask you to eat only with politically like-minded people, as law enforcement will be operating a skeleton crew that day.
Christmas shopping season is cancelled, except for 3 to 5 p.m. on December 16th, my grandmother’s half-birthday. In her honor, you are expected to order a ginger ale and steak and cheese grinder at Four Brothers Pizza for lunch that day.
Anyone whose outdoor Christmas decorations are not removed from sight by February 15th will be subject to a public shaming whereby I and my friends stand in a circle around said house shaking our fists and shouting, “Shame! Shame! Shame!”
Winter’s coming. Please remember that residents whose properties include grass are required to keep their grass mowed year-round. Uncle Hector the grass inspector will be making unannounced compliance checks in January, February and March.
A related announcement: Snow plowing will be provided on Wednesdays and every other Saturday.
Unrelated announcement: In response to a messy incident in the S-Z picture book aisle, library patrons are asked not to eat blueberry pie for 24 hours prior to entry.
As part of my Slow Down, Asshole!™ initiative, I’m asking pedestrians crossing at Railroad and Main streets to wave enthusiastically, wink and blow kisses to drivers. You may sign up at the Police or Fire Station for lessons in these behaviors.
Due to popular demand, and against my better judgment, I’ve expanded the list of acceptable pasta shapes for Italian night dinners to include fusilli and gemelli. Permits for conchiglie may be applied for during Lent. I’m not budging on orecchiette, however.
Infants wearing onesie pjs that do not include footsie attachments will be charged $10. Payment expected at time of infraction, so I encourage parents to purchase onesie pjs with pockets.
Mocha lattes ordered with cow’s milk instead of oat milk will be charged a $2 surcharge for insensitivity to my lactose intolerance.
By request, #1: If you smoke the Substance Formerly Known As “Pot” at one of our local natural attractions, bring enough for everyone parked in the lot. Including on sunny Saturdays in leaf-peeping season.
By request, #2: As of January 1, cats and dogs will no longer be compelled to cohabitate. You’re welcome, Tiger.
Thank you for your cooperation.