Editor’s note: May 17 is the International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia and Biphobia, a day celebrated around the world in support of sexual and gender diversity and rights. Thanks to the concerted efforts of LGBTQ advocates, Americans have become more sensitive to and aware of the extent of human sexual and gender diversity, understanding gender as a spectrum rather than as a binary opposition between male and female. All human beings have both estrogen and testosterone in our hormonal make-up; we all absorb the cultural conditioning of masculinity and femininity in different ways. This week’s guest columnist on Edge Wise, Lee Schwartz, writes about how her own experience with raising a transgender child prompted her to rethink common assumptions about gender identity.
These days, being gay is no big deal. Even Joel Grey, at 82, decided to tell the world that he was gay. Why now, at 82? His daughter, the actress Jennifer Grey, explained that “no matter what age, no matter how long it takes, to be finally free of the lies of half-truths is freedom.” Freedom is the key: to have the inner freedom to live out of our authentic self.
In the gay community, men and women are living their life outside the conventional dynamic Duo: Man & Woman. However, in this lifestyle, the self is still rooted in the gender identity of the biological body, at birth. Although they may play different roles, all parties are anchored to the anatomical body parts they were given at birth. Although some gay women may dress and feel more male and some gay men may feel more womanly, they are comfortable in their own skin.
Trans individuals do not feel comfortable in the gender of their birth. Before transition, trans people may struggle with gender dysphoria: feeling that they are stuck in the wrong body that doesn’t match the way they feel on the inside. They risk all — sanity, family, career, community — to bring their psyche and bodies into a congruent self.
My child is one of these brave, queer souls who dared to come out to be himself. Born as a girl-bodied child, he came to realize that his true body and soul self was leaning towards being male. Now, he presents as male, uses male pronouns and officially would be called trans-masculine or queer. He does not fit into the world that worships binary idols. He does not want to give up the feminine or surrender to the masculine. His body is on the line.
I am grateful that my child is living in these times when rigid binary boxes are fading and the younger generation sees gender as a fluid noun that moves freely and is not, necessarily, crazy-glued to the self, for life. Gender, like sexual preference, is not a choice, but a truism that you peel like an orange over time. No one would CHOOSE to remove every hair follicle on their face, take hormones, remove their breasts or shrink their Adam’s Apple cartilage, if they weren’t trying to save their own lives. Nearly 50 percent of transgender youth has at least one suicide attempt by their 20th birthday.
Things are changing, though. When I was growing up in the 1950’s, gender boxes were like Fort Knox. At birth, folks asked, “girl or boy?” and you were given a label for life; a label you had to live out of, girls being goody-two-shoes, boys tough and gritty. Now, living in a more progressive era, folks realize sometimes the doctors get it wrong. The trans-person, previously isolated, depressed and taunted by society, now has the option of a complete makeover: wardrobe, hormones, surgery, legal name change and new birth certificate, giving him/her the proper gender assignment s/he yearns to present to the world and in the mirror.
Since childhood, my child wore men’s clothes. Since his teens, he has had a girlfriend, written stories in the narrative male voice, played ice hockey and demanded male privilege. This is his true self; the body and psyche of the masculine.
My child still has the same heart, ethics, morals, humor, talents and foibles he had as a girl. Man or Woman, he is still foremost my child.
And he is fortunate to have come of age in a time when the world of trans is hitting the mainstream. There is a hacking away of the old M and F boxes, a blurring of the sexes, a de-emphasis on gender and a highlighting of the person. We are seeing more transgender stories in the culture, starting with Chaz Bono to the current “TRANSPARENT “ show on Amazon. There are 6-year-old boys playing with dolls in the toy box and parents of trans kids demanding their kid be allowed to dress and be called the name that matches their gender expression. Social and government agencies are fighting for transgender rights in the workplace, medical care and in the culture. This perception of “difference” is fading and that is a good thing, for my child and for society at large.
Just as the Civil Rights movement taught us to judge people not by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character, the gay and trans movement is asking us to do the same. Not to label people as Male and Female but just as human beings. Not to see them living out their lives in masculine or feminine bodies, but rather, just as people, to be judged on their merits and likability rather than by their sexual preference or gender identity.
After the sexual revolution of the 1960’s, women have asked to be judged equal to men. To be offered the same jobs, wages and power in personal and corporate arenas. Women have won these rights, more or less. But what of men moving towards the feminine? Men are slowly evolving into new gender zones, being judged by their compassion and connectedness, taking on the roles of kindergarten teacher and caretaker. Oh brave new men! I hope to see men begin to value the “feminine,” to welcome softness and nurturing as a life choice. Can our culture embrace a vulnerable man?
In the 21st century, we have the opportunity to break out of gendered limitations and move on to a better personhood. Women can bring their listening and cooperative values to men, and men can bring their courage and confidence to women. There is an opportunity to have bliss and balls!
Wouldn’t it be great to experiment with gender, to live in a Queer Nation, with the freedom to decide which gender characteristics we want to own, regardless of our anatomy? I would welcome a world in which we could embrace our full humanity, without having to label ourselves this or that. What parts of yourself do you claim as female? What parts do you identify as male? Aren’t we all a crazy, tasty, zesty transgender salad? Mix and enjoy.
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Lee Schwartz is a poet based in New York and Great Barrington. Her latest poems are found in How Poetry Saved My Life (Trigger Point Press, 2014) and Writing Fire: Celebrating the Power of Women’s Words (Green Fire Press, 2015). She presented a writing workshop, “Border Crossings,” on sexual orientation and gender as part of the March 2015 Berkshire Festival of Women Writers.
The weekly EDGE WISE column is curated by Jennifer Browdy, Ph.D., associate professor of comparative literature, gender studies and media studies at Bard College at Simon’s Rock and the Founding Director of the Berkshire Festival of Women Writers. Women writers interested in publishing in EDGE WISE can find writers’ guidelines on the Festival website, or may submit queries or columns to Jennifer@berkshirewomenwriters.org.
