Having seen Jennifer Siebel Newsom’s first film, “Miss Representation,” I knew that I didn’t want to miss the opportunity afforded by our wonderful Berkshire International Film Festival to see “The Mask You Live In,” Newsom’s 2014 documentary on men, boys and masculinity in America.
I bought a ticket for my teenage son, and managed to persuade him to join me at the Mahaiwe to see the film. His comment about the film, as we walked out? “That was so depressing, Mom.”
Yes, the film was depressing, upsetting and even shocking at moments. For me, as the mother of two sons with many years of teaching gender studies under my belt, it was not surprising.
“The Mask You Live In” shows, through interviews with experts as well as many interviews with a wide range of boys and men, the incredible pressures placed on boys to conform to “the bro code,” by which boys police each other to make sure they are “real men”— that is, not emotional, not “girlie.” This emotional shutdown takes a huge toll on adolescent boys in particular: according to the Child Trends Data Bank, “in 2013, males ages 15 to 19 were three times more likely to commit suicide, seven times more likely to be victims of homicide, and eight times more likely to be involved in a firearm-related death than were females of the same age.”
The film establishes clear connections between what one expert called “the pandemic of violence in America” and the repressed anger and hurt of boys and young men, as well as a narrow definition of masculinity that equates “being a man” with physical force, sexual conquest, and economic success.
Many of the boys and young men interviewed had absent or abusive fathers, and spoke yearningly of their wish for a good relationship with an older man. It was heart-warming to see some younger men stepping up as youth advocates and mentors for teenage boys, as well as one young father working hard to raise his son to stay in touch with his feelings.
Behind many of the social problems faced by young men today is the mistaken assumption that emotions are “feminine” while stoicism is “masculine.” What does it mean to society when half of our young people are trained to turn off their connection to their own emotions, as well as their empathy for others?
Gayle Allen and Deborah Farmer Kris, teachers and educational consultants, write in a recent column about how crucial it is for individual and societal success that we teach boys to tap into the intrinsic capacity for empathy that all human beings possess. “It’s clear we need to cultivate empathy in all children,” Allen and Kris say, “but gender stereotypes…risk leaving boys, in particular, with a social deficit.”
Empathetic boys are more likely, Allen and Kris say, “to engage in ‘assertive bystander behavior,’ standing up to a bully on behalf of someone outside their peer group.” They’re more likely to be good collaborators and managers of people, able to work well with others to solve problems creatively. Allen and Kris quote Meg Bear, Group Vice President of Oracle’s Social Cloud, who “calls empathy ‘the critical 21st century skill.’ She believes it’s the ‘difference between good and great’ when it comes to personal and professional success.”
“The Mask You Live in” takes us into a mentoring session for teenage boys in a tough, gang-ridden section of urban California. In a particularly moving scene, one young man reaches out to comfort another, who has his head down under his hoodie, obviously trying to hide his tears. All the while the group facilitator is talking about how true brotherhood is achieved by being willing to show your vulnerabilities and by being willing to stand up for those less powerful than yourself.
Real manliness, in other words, is the opposite of bullying. It’s about being confident and secure enough in your own identity to be able to reach out a hand to those with less social capital than you.
Even girls. As someone who has worked for women’s equality for many years, I know that we women and girls can’t achieve equality on our own. We need our men and boys to come with us on the journey to equality, recognizing that equality is not a zero-sum game, but one where collaboration will help all of our boats to rise.
This summer I’m starting a leadership program for teen girls in the Berkshires, and I would like nothing more than to partner with a male mentor interested in leading a similar program for our teen boys. While boys often get terrific mentoring from athletic coaches, there is certainly room for more opportunities for boys to talk with each other, under the guidance of a caring male facilitator, about the challenges they face as they navigate the tumultuous years of adolescence and young adulthood.
I envision a world where boys and girls — and men and women — understand that our humanity transcends all cultural gender stereotypes and norms. The greatest humans, male or female, have been those who have worked for the common good using empathy and compassion as well as strength and courage.
Let us not forget that the word “courage” comes from the French word for “heart,” coeur. Love and courage spring from our hearts, and the truth is that human hearts have no gender.
_____________
The weekly EDGE WISE column is curated by Jennifer Browdy, Ph.D., associate professor of comparative literature, gender studies and media studies at Bard College at Simon’s Rock and the Founding Director of the Berkshire Festival of Women Writers. Women writers interested in publishing in EDGE WISE can find writers’ guidelines on the Festival website, or may submit queries or columns to Jennifer@berkshirewomenwriters.org.
