BELLE FOX-MARTIN: Answer the phone

"In these troubling times, I have such a great opportunity to share with you, madame.”

So, my landline rang (yes, I do still have a landline), and I answered it (who knows why) without first checking the caller ID. I wasn’t surprised to hear a very accented voice say, “Good morning!” It was 4 p.m. but I didn’t correct him. Usually, this would have been the moment when I hung up, but these aren’t normal times, so I replied: “Good morning.” Whoever was on the other end of this call was safely beyond the 6-foot distancing recommendation, plus I was bored.

I stayed on to see what gopher hole he was going to invite me into. He seemed taken aback that I hadn’t hung up. He repeated his “good morning” three times in staccato succession. Having traversed this hurdle, he began his pitch: “In these troubling times, I have such a great opportunity to share with you, madame, to protect your family and for you to earn such wealth without ever leaving your house.”

Curiosity trumped dismissal. I replied, “Really?”

“Yes, indeed madame, we selected you to be an investor in our company knowing that you would appreciate our product and the inevitable boom in orders for our product in light of the Coronavirus.” Now I was intrigued.

“Our company, ‘Bidet Along With Me,’ is inviting you, Madame, to invest a mere $10,000, and with that investment, you will automatically be eligible to apply to be the exclusive franchise owner in Massachusetts… Are you still there?”

“Yes, I’m here.” This was better than Moth Radio.

“Good, good. We all know that paper toilet (he meant ‘toilet paper’) cannot be found. It is a pandemic reality, but all of us at ‘Bidet Along With Me’ are ready to leap into action, take orders and ship out our bidets within a one week turnaround time… are you there?”

“Yes, I’m here.”

“While you consider this once in a lifetime opportunity, please listen to our company theme song.” Music:”Bidet along with me the best is yet to be, it’s all hands-free, and we haven’t killed a tree.”

Oh, this is better than The Moth and Terry Gross.

I’m keeping my landline.