My daughter, Kay, and I were sitting at a drag show recently when Boxxa Vine, the show’s emcee and a Monterey resident, announced from the stage, “And there are children here,” to which I yelled out, “Don’t worry, she’s fine.”
My daughter, who is adorably petite, looks quite young at first glance, though she is almost 16. The show was at the Foundry in West Stockbridge and I had asked if the early show would be okay for a teenager, to which I was assured that it should be less risqué than the later show, so off we went.
It honestly never occurred to me to leave her at home or to attend with a more age-appropriate friend, because I knew how disappointed Kay would be to miss out on the glittery fun. Also, the kid is planning to go to college to study musical theater, so I take her to everything — ballet, opera, plays, new movies, old movies, musicals, and now, apparently, drag shows. Why not? I love drag queens. I always have. I admire anyone who can be open and free with his or her clothing and lifestyle choices and sexuality. At least that is what it looks like from the outside. In fact, I would much rather Kay spent her time with drag queens than, say, Trump-supporting Republicans.
I have always answered all of her questions about sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll with complete candor. I sometimes had to tell her that all would be revealed when she was older, but now she is a young adult and I just tell her the truth when she asks questions. And if you have ever lived with a teenage girl, you know that there are always questions.
Because I am open with Kay does not mean I am lax. In fact, she always tells me that I am a fierce mother. I suppose that would be true for any mother of a child with dark skin. Kids of color are always scrutinized more, followed through stores, subjected to traffic stops and watched a little more closely than blue-eyed blondes. They need to know the rules and so does Ethiopian-born Kay.
She knows that her hands stay on the steering wheel if the police ever stop her. She knows not to argue with adults, even if they are wrong, but to be polite and come to me if there is a problem. She also knows I will not brook any nonsense. I told her, in all seriousness, that when she is waitressing this summer, there will be no weed, no older boys and no booze. I have worked in plenty of restaurants and I know first-hand what goes on, and she is not going to be a part of the shenanigans. I recently told her that if anyone gives her an illegal substance that I will sue them.
Kay was apoplectic. “You can’t do that,” she protested.
“Watch me,” I said. “I will embarrass you so badly that you will be in therapy for the rest of your life.”
She knows I am not kidding — well, mostly not kidding. I told her that I would sue anyone who contributed to her corruption, including the parents of any minor handing her an illegal substance, and she will be lucky if I don’t drag her to the police station myself if she misbehaves. She can live with any punishment I mete out, but public humiliation is another animal altogether. Being a single mother, I am using every tool at my disposal to keep her sane, sober and healthy. I like to joke that guilt comes naturally to me since I am ethnically Jewish and was raised Catholic. I am not above using that guilt to keep Kay in line, though in our house, everything is tinged with humor. So while she takes my litigation threat seriously, we both laughed when I made it, but because of that laughter, she isn’t sure I meant it, though she knows me well enough not to test the waters.
Will I feel this way in a couple of years, when she is closer to adulthood? Probably not, but right now she is young and naïve and while very intelligent, not old enough to always make wise choices.
I am not stupid. I know exactly what goes on in college and frankly, I want her to have fun — I certainly did. But this is a girl who attends a great private high school through scholarships and financial aid. One whiff of impropriety on her part and it all gets flushed down the hopper. There are rules at her school and if she breaks them, she loses the world of opportunity currently at her feet.
But it is more than that. We have a horrific drug problem in this country. She has numerous friends who are always smoking weed or vaping, and I will never allow that to happen for several reasons, the main one being that I don’t want her frontal cortex destroyed before it is developed. I also don’t want her jaded by the time she is 19. If you experience everything at 15 or 16, then there is nothing to look forward to down the road. In a perfect world, we experience life at age-appropriate times. While it is insane to think I can control anything, really, I am just trying to make sure she is ready for what comes at her down the line, but not yet.
Just not yet.
