Christmas tree tales: What the ornaments say

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By Friday, Dec 23 Arts & Entertainment

“Hi! How are you? Come on in.”

“Well hello! You look great.”

“Thanks, so do you.”

“God, is it cold out there.”

“Then come and see the Christmas tree.”

“WOW! That’s beautiful.”

“Thank you. It takes me days to do. One day just to get the lights on, and then, I rest. The next day I start with the ornaments, which takes forever. Every ornament has it’s own story.

Would you like some hot chocolate?”

“Yes please, that would be nice.”

“I’ll be right back.”

*     *     *

“Hello. I see you looking at me, so I’ll tell you my story, I am from the USSR and am the first really, big ornament. See how beautiful?”

“I’m a cute cupcake that her sister gave to her because she likes to eat cupcakes.”

“Hey, that’s how I got here. I’m slice of chocolate cake because she loves chocolate cake.”

“Don’t forget about me. I’m a slice of cake, but I light up from the inside. I’m a little heavy so she has to put me on a strong branch.”

“Brag, brag. I’m heavier. I’m larger. I’m cut cranberry glass. I’m Pairpoint. I am fancy.”

“Well. I am golden Venetian glass and am a full 14 inches long. Yes, boys and girls, a full 14 inches long.”

“Hey, keep it clean. I’m Peppermint Patty from 1982.”

“And I’m Snoopy from 1980.”

“Linus here, from 1977.”

“I think we’re the oldest over here. The little, itty- bitty, round balls. We were her mother’s, mother’s.”

“Do you think it will snow?”

“I hope so. I look so good in snow.”

“Oh, mon Dieu. Look out over here! I am Belgian glass and I don’t like anyone in my personal space. I am fragile, please respect that.”

“Personal space, on a Christmas tree? Please. I’m the lace Frog Prince because she has kissed a lot of frogs. I mean a lot of frogs.”

“Well, maybe that’s why I’m here? I’m a stocking that reads, NAUGHTY, and am filled with coal.”

“Be nice, she takes good care of us. Being frail icicles, we know.”

“I have my own silk-lined box because I’m hand painted and signed. My cousins are here with me and they have their own silk boxes, too.”

“I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, just like…..”

“Shut up, Elvis. We’re trying to introduce ourselves.”

“Sock Monkey gets so upset when someone interrupts. I mean, I’m just a Santa head, just the head, WTF, but, give Sock Monkey a break.”

“She needs me this year. The Lucky Pickle. She has this tree tied to a door, the walls, and a radiator.”

“More is more!”

“Nothing exceeds like excess.”

“No kidding.”

“Like, dude, there’s like, over a thousand of us. But don’t, like, take it from me, dude, I can’t, like, do math.”

“Hi, yeah, I wanted to thank you guys. You really make me Sparkle. Did I ever tell you the story of my great, great, great, great, great, grandfather that hung from the ceiling at a place called Studio 54?”

“I’m from the 80’s. Pez rocks!”

“Not one to point a finger, but being a gingerbread house, I can tell you he’s had too much sugar.”

“Come over here. Yeah, the big green ball. Doesn’t it look like you’re looking into a circus mirror?”

“Shhhhhh. She’s coming, she’s coming.”

“Would you like fluff on your cocoa?”

“Please.”

“Inside voices only. No barking my head off.”

“No banging my drum.”

“No singing ‘Fever’ at the top of my lungs, because I would really like to, because I have a white feather boa over my shoulders and look, fantastic!”

“Girl, please. We are designed by Jason Woo and have lace overlays.”

“I woke up like this.”

“Sure. You’re a snowman wearing a bikini. Have another margarita, doll face.”

“Don’t body shame her. I’m a size 16 mermaid, and proud of it.”

“Can’t we all get along? We only have to do this 3 weeks a year.”

“Who? Who?”

“The girls, Mr. Owl. Please, do try to keep up.”

“I think she’s coming.”

“One final thing. As the standing tree itself, I would like to say, that the ornaments are my musicians, and I am the conductor.”

“ ‘Not too self-impressed,’ coming from the angel staring at the disco ball.”

“It’s not all about you, Tree.”

“Together, we pave the nostalgic path of Christmas’ past. Together, we shine and sparkle. Together, we offer the holiday magic of reminiscing back to a childhood home, or friend. Together, we light the dark. Together…..”

“OK. Got it. I think she’s coming, quiet.

By the way, I’m Olive, the other reindeer, nice to meet you.”

*     *     *

“Check to see if it’s too hot.

So, heard any good stories?”


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